A Seriously POd Sniper Instructor
by The-Spirit-of-a-Child
Summary: Um.....hi....everyone's been thinking about doing this so I'm going to do it. Don't call me a copy cat. This is what I think would happen if Edgerton found out about my little fic Hunter. Mild humor, kinda dramayish. Seriously stupid. Warnin mild cussin'
1. Chapter 1

A Seriously PO'd Sniper Instructor

by Spirit of a Child

A.N: Don't call me a copy cat. Even though I did kinda copy the Cat. Fraidycat, that is. I don't want to copy her stuff, but here's what I think would happen if our favorite FBI ASG (ASGAwesome Sniper Guy) ((Which was invented by Sushi Chi and SyberiaWinx)) found out about my little stories. Sorry Fraidy, the concept completely belongs to you. I take no credit except what **_I _**personally wrote myself.

I sat at the laptop, pondering what else to write. The doorbell rang. I got up, cursing uninvited guests and writers block. But when I opened the door, my head almost fell off.

"Is this name omitted Blvd? Home to-" Agent Ian Edgerton checked the paper in his hand, "Spirit of a Child?"

I nodded mutely.

He raised his eyebrows at me, "Can I speak to her?"

I swallowed, "Yer already talkin' to her".

He blinked, surprised, "You? You can't be her, you're just a kid. You're what, 15?"

I pursed my lips at him, "13, actually".

He blinked stupidly, "13?" He said incredulously.

His eyes narrowed, "A 13-year-old wrote THIS?!?!?"

He pulled out a cluster of papers and stuffed them in my hands.

I looked down at them.

—()()()—()()()—

_**Hunter**_

_**by Spirit of a Child**_

_**I own nothing. Not even this laptop. Grrrr.**_

_**Warning: Slash**_

_**Summery: I usually follow my instincts, I usually follow them more than my common sense. I am the bastard son of Clint Eastwood and Yoda. **_

_**What else would you expect?**_

_**edge edge edge edge edge edge edge edge edge edge edge edge edge edge edge edge edge edge**_

I didn't read any farther, "Um...yeah, I wrote that. Do ya have issues with the format or something? You coulda just PMed me about it if ya do".

He shoved me angrily, "I have 'issues' with the entire thing!! Do you know how humiliating it was when everybody read this?"

My face lit up, "People actually read it?????" I shrieked with delight, forgetting that my life was at risk.

He shoved me again, "Yes, they did!! The poor kid wouldn't look me in the eye for days, everybody snickers when I walk into a room, and Amita uses every chance she has to insult me to hell and back. Why in the hell did you write that?!?!?!?" He had me pinned up against the wall, enraged. I swallowed.

"Um...What do ya want me to do about it? I can't let my readers down? What about Sushi Chi and Syberiawinx and Set() and Nevair and MaeLace and Schuyler Lola and HumanEmotion and LuvNumb3rs even though I'm not sure whether she actually likes it or not!!!"

He seemed to be starting to calm down slightly. He put me down. I straightened out my collar so I wouldn't be showing too much cleavage. His breathing evened out and he unclenched his fists. He sighed and closed his eyes. He opened them back up, "Write me something that won't humiliate me and the poor kid. I don't know what, just write something" he said quietly.

I blinked guiltily at him, "I'm sorry they laugh at you. I'm just trying to please the readers and unleash a torrent of-" I stopped there, not sure if I wanted him to hear the rest.

His eyes narrowed to slits, "Unleash a torrent of what?" he said, his voice dangerously quiet.

I swallow nervously, "Nothing...um, just a torrent of nice reviews" I tried to smile believably. I failed. He leaned casually against the wall, the only clue to his uncontrollable rage and ire was that his teeth were slightly clenched.

"Come come, There shouldn't secret between friends" he said dangerously.

I blinked, "We're friends?"

He took a step towards me, I took a step back. "Tell you what, if you tell me what you wanted to unleash, I'll let you survive the next five minutes. How does that sound?"

I swallowed nervously, "Um...sounds good to me".

He took another step towards me, I took another step back, "So?" he said.

I looked down at my feet, "I just wanted to unleash a torrent of _edgermphmphmfanmphmtion_" I muttered.

His eyebrows went even higher, "What was that?"

He was still walking slowly towards me, so I grabbed the doorknob and said, "I wanted to unleash a torrent of Edgerlie slashfics!!!" I yelled and threw myself out the door and sprinted off like a demented jackrabbit. I hadn't gotten far before I tired out.

"I spend too much time in front of the computer" I muttered.

"Yes you do" came the voice of the now not my favorite ASG.

I turned around. Glancing around like a trapped animal I whimpered. He took a step towards me and I realized that he didn't have a gun. So I took my chances and rammed against him. Me being considerably younger than him I managed to wind him slightly, giving me a chance to escape. I ran back up to the house and shut the door, locking and dead bolting it. I shut all the window shades and locked all the rest of the doors. I grabbed the laptop and the cord and ran upstairs to my room, locking the door on that too. I began typing frantically at the next chapter of "Hunter", racking my brain for ideas. I suddenly had an inspiration and began banging at the keyboard. There was a loud knock on the door downstairs. I began to shake and type harder and faster, resulting in me having to go back and correct numerous mistakes. Almost done. I typed the last words and save it, exiting out of WordPerfect12. I got online as fast as I could and on to fanfiction. I heard the locks on the door begin to break and I urged my retarded DSL to hurry up. I save the file as a document and rush to stories. I heard the door break open and I hurried even faster. I hear him searching for me downstairs. I went to the Chapters\Content part of Stories and selected the file. He started coming up the stairs. I muted the computer. I click the button and it paused. This document has been added as Chapter Seven of the story Hunter it reads in little green letters at the top. I sighed with relief. I exit out and close the laptop. My doorknob jiggles and the door comes open. I have never seen him this mad before.

"It's too late" I said, relieved, "I've already updated it".

But he still looked triumphant, "Well I predict that this is the last time you will be updating it". I swallowed and hid behind my bed. He grabbed me by the collar and I couldn't help but imagine myself in the place Amita that was in Chapter Four. I whimpered.

"Can you really get away with killing me?" I asked, actually curious. He smirked mirthlessly at me.

"Who said I was going to kill you?" he said quietly. I whimpered again. He dropped me.

"Get the laptop and a few changes of clothes" he snarled. I blinked stupidly.

"What?" I said. He shoved me again.

"You heard me. Now move" he said impatiently. I suddenly realized what he was going to do with me.

"I know you aren't going to kill me but kidnaping me isn't much better" I snorted.

He snarled, "Just do it, dammit!!" I got up and stuffed some clothes in a bag, then grabbed the laptop. Then I turned.

"Why should I go with you?" I said angrily. He pulled out gun and pointed it at my head.

"Because I don't make empty threats" he said simply. Four and a half hours later I was sitting in the back seat of his SUV as he crossed the North Carolina border into Tennessee. Having never been to Tennessee before, I peeked out the window. It looked the same as NC. Boring. I pulled out the laptop as quietly as I could and turned it on.

"I can hear that" he said, "And unless you have a satellite provider you can't go on the internet". I grunted.

"I can still type" I said, muting the computer. I typed random things and played Pinball and Solitaire. I noticed it was dark. Suddenly he pulled into a parking lot. I looked out the window. It was some shitty motel. I looked at him.

"Are you serious?" I snorted. He gave me the 'I will kill you if you don't shut up' look.

"Yes. I am. I'll take the couch. Now get out" He unlocked the doors. I grabbed my stuff and got out. If I hadn't been tired and cranky I would've made a run for the office. But I didn't. After we got in the room he threw his stuff on the couch and pointed me into the small bedroom. I grumbled and went in. I sat on the dirty bed and opened the laptop. Then I noticed something. Outside on the motel's cheap sign it said We have free WI connections. I smirked and waited.

After a while he went to sleep. I turned the computer on and checked the connection. It didn't have a password. So I went on and immediately PMed Sushi Chi.

A.N: Don't call me stupid. I don't like that. I went to a lot of trouble to let you know about this. I'm hoping that he'll let me go. Hoping really hard. Help!!!

_**TBC**_


	2. Chapter 2

A Seriously POd Sniper Instructor

by Spirit of a Child

A.N.: You'll never believe what he made me do!!!!!!! Noooooo!!!!!

P.S.: I did ask SushiChi before using her

oo00oo

I PMed SushiChi quickly.

Sushi!!! Help me!!! Edgie found out about Hunter and now he's going to destroy me piece by piece!!!! He doesn't know that I'm online, and I need heeeeellllllp!!!!! Find people and come and save me!!!! I'm not sure what he plans on doing with me, all I know is that he's not going to kill me. Help!!!! Get my other reviewers to help!!! I'm in a cheap motel in Tennessee, sitting on a dirty bed. He's actually civil. He gave me the bed and took the couch. You need to help me!!! He's gonna do bad things!!! Help!!!

Deciding that I had said 'help' enough, I sent it. I logged off and closed the computer, planning to wait until early morning to check for a reply. But around four in the morning he got up and made me start typing. He told me what he wanted me to do.

"What?" I gasped in horror and shock, "No!!! I can't do that!!! That would ruin everything I've worked for!!!".

"Just do it" he growled. So I began, sulkily, to type. After about twenty seconds, I stopped.

"How's that Oh Powerful and Mighty One?" he read over it and raised his eyebrows.

"That's it? That's all you have?" I glared at him.

"Yes. Now should I post it or not?" he shrugged.

"Sure, why not?" he smirked at me. I glared.

"Grumblegrumblegrumblegrumble" I grumbled to myself, logging on and updating, but not before sneakily slipping in an author's note. He nodded approvingly.

"That was the worst piece of writing I have ever seen, but it will work. Now c'mon, we have a lot of ground to cover today".

I looked up, confused, "But I've done what you wanted, haven't I? Please let me go, I didn't realize that you'd suffer if I wrote it, I just wanted to get a few laughs and some good reviews" I poked my lip out and gave him my best "sad-little-girl-who's-been-mistreated" look. He hesitated, showing me that he wasn't completely cold-hearted, and relented very slightly.

"I know you didn't mean to, but you did. And I can't let you go. We'll stay somewhere better tonight, I was in a hurry and had to choose quickly" he said, having given in to my pitiful puppy dog face. I tried not to frown. At least it was a start. Maybe I could talk him into telling me what he was going to do with me. We packed our things and left. Another boring day.

oo-00-oo

A.N.: Okay!!! Volunteer time!!! Please volunteer to be part of the rescue team that comes out after me. All I need is a brief physical description and your weapon of choice. The awesome thing about fanfiction is that you can go to any fandom and get any weapon. You could get a lightsaber from the SW fandom, or magic arrows from LOTR (even though there really weren't any in the book or movie), or one of those giant swords that they have in that anime stuff (yeah, you can really tell that I watch anime), or something sci-fi (phaser or taser or whatever) LOL. It's just gotta be from a fandom. Oh yeah, and nothing too violent. I don't plan on killing poor Ian. He's suffered enough already. And truthfully, so have I. VOLUNTEER PEOPLES!!!!!!


	3. Chapter 3

A Seriously POd Sniper Instructor

by Spirit of a Child

A.N.: Rescue time. Get ready for stupidity.

00-oo-00-oo-00

I sat on the bed of the slightly nicer motel. Well, he did keep his promise. We had made it to Arkansas, somewhere in the middle (don't ask me where) of it I think. Then I heard a little noise. Garfield's voice came from the tiny laptop speakers.

"Read your mail or I'll shred it" he spoke in a bored monotone. And once again I was thankful that I have AOL, which lets me have awesome phrases like that for my email. I checked it. It was Sushi Chi. Only two words.

We're coming .

I felt an unexplainable warmth in my heart and sighed. Then a thought occurred to me. How were they going to find me? I quickly deleted the email and sat, brooding. Ian came in, looking more cheerful than usual.

"C'mon, we have more ground to cover" he said. I raised my eyebrows.

"Is it just me, or is the coincidental fact that we are heading in a Californian direction suddenly not coincidental?" he just growled at that, but still looked cheerful. I raised my eyebrows higher.

"What's with you? You look like-" I paused, thinking that that wasn't the best comparison to make when for once he wasn't mad at me, "-like Rifle-Mart has a 50 percent discount". He rolled his eyes at me.

"You have five minutes" he said simply, walking out. I sighed with relief. He hadn't guessed what I had been about to say. Good thing too, he would have killed me. Especially after he thought he had won the battle, and the war. There was a soft rap on the door, I opened it up. A tallish young woman a little taller than me with black hair and blue eyes peeked in.

"Spirit of a Child?" she asked quietly. I smiled.

"Sushi Chi?" she looked confused.

"No. I'm not her, I'm Set()" she said holding up a realistic rabbit beany with all the beans in the butt, "Remember my rabbit?" I grinned.

"Set. Nice to finally meet you. Thanks" suddenly Ian walked up behind me.

"Spirit, we have to-who the hell are you?!?" he asked angrily. She smirked at him.

"They call me Set" then she jumped on him, wielding the beany like a fluffy mace. But him being a trained FBI agent, he wasn't so easily defeated. He started trying to throw her off, but she held him tight. Then another young woman jumped in, wielding a pink nail file.

"SUPER SCHUYLER LOLA!!!" she yelled, jumping on him too. But unfortunately she wasn't quite as tall as Set and wasn't able to do as much damage. But she attached herself to his leg and clung to it like an octopus to its prey. He yelled, falling over. I just stood there and cheered.

"MY REVIEWERS ROCK!!!" I screamed. Ian glared at me while being beaten with a giant beany.

"THESE ARE YOUR REVIEWERS?!?!?!?" he yelled. I just laughed my head off, rolling on the floor. Then another woman came in, holding a giant anime sword.

"Finally!!" I screamed, "Finally someone who brought a giant sword!! Thank you meganreeves!!"

She smiled, "You're welcome" then she swung it around and pointed it straight at Ian's throat. The other two froze, not wanting to kill him.

"Put it away. We don't want to kill him" I looked up to see a young brunette walk in holding one of those hard rubber mallets that you use to close paint cans, and a sponge. I blinked, wiping the tears of mirth from my eyes.

"Sushi Chi I presume" I grinned.

"Spirit?" she raised her eyebrows.

"Yup, and by the way. This is the best day of my life!!!!" I proclaimed. Sushi grinned.

"When you PMed me for help I got everyone together" she said, taking a menacing step towards the now helpless sniper. I raised my eyebrows.

"What's with the sponge?" I asked. She gave me a look.

"Did you not even get my second PM?" she rolled her eyes. I shook my head.

"No" I said sheepishly. She grinned.

"Then you'll just have to find out, won't you?" she said. I nodded wisely.

"True" I said. Sushi took another menacing step towards Ian. He narrowed his eyes at her.

"Let me go" he snarled, trying to get away from Set() and Schuyler Lola. Set() bopped him on the head with her rabbit beany. I couldn't help but snicker. He turned his glare on me. I shut up fast. Sushi shook her head.

"And why should I do that?" he glared even harder.

"Because I'm a federal agent" he said coldly. She raised her eyebrows.

"Well I'm tired of waiting for her to update Hunter" she snapped. Ian smirked.

"She did. Didn't you read it?" Sushi rolled her eyes.

"You mean that crap that you wrote?" she snorted. He smirked wider.

"Nope. She was the one who wrote that" he said. Set() bopped him again.

"He's right. But he made me write it" I said sadly, "It was horrible". Sushi patted me understandingly on the shoulder.

"I understand" she said kindly. She turned back to Ian, glaring, "We're getting her and her laptop out of here". She took the sponge and jumped on him. Both Set() and Schuyler Lola let go of him. She put the sponge over his nose and mouth and he stopped struggling. She got up. She dropped the sponge and wiped her hand on his jacket.

"Chloroform is pretty handy" she said, smiling at me. I grinned and ran to get my stuff. When I came back out a toned young woman was standing in the middle of the room, slouched over.

"Aw, I missed the fun" she said sadly. Sushi patted her on the back.

"It's okay starfleetofficer1. We'll let you get him next time" I froze.

"Next time?" my voice rose up a few octaves. Sushi smiled pityingly at me.

"Once he wakes up he won't rest until he finds you. It's not safe for you to go back home now. We have to take you to HQ". Everyone looked at her.

"HQ? HQ for what?" I asked, shocked. Sushi smiled knowingly.

"Fanfiction HQ".

A.N: Da da da DOM!!!!! Thanks everybody for volunteering!!! I will be updating both this and Hunter. And btw. Starfleetcaptain1, you will get more action next time. I'll make sure of that.


End file.
